Monday, January 2, 2012

The Great Migration

Today's Miles: 1.5 miles on the treadmill. 548 miles behind the wheel.

* today's post has absolutely nothing to do with running *


This was the tamest thing out of my mouth today. For all of my followers (a total of 6) that have been missing some wild, twisted, Kristy's on the road again, kind of stories - well today is YOUR day!

(I don't know who Pete is. But for his sake, I hope he's safe at home and did not have to travel over this holiday season.)

Ever watch the great migration of wildebeest in Africa on the Animal Planet or NatGeo? It's a fantastic scene of a bazillion wildebeest from all over the place coming together to travel a great distance...... together......(for what exactly? grass? water? breeding? I can't remember. It's not important.) What is important is that they stick TO...GETH...ER.  If you leave the will die. If you're the first to cross the will die. If you're the last to cross the will die. If you stray, lolly-gag or get will die. I have experienced The Great Migration and lived to tell about it.

If you remember back to my comment about traveling in herds the day before Christmas Eve down Interstate 81....well, the herd returned north today.

I'm seriously beginning to think that all Northerners have Southern roots....which might explain my theory of Rednecks are everywhere! (FYI - someone actually found that blog post by searching for "Redneck & Boobs"....some people just dumbfound me.)  Back to my point....Why else did 10,000 people go South on I-81 the day before Christmas Eve to see Granny and 15,000 people went North on I-81 the day after New Year's? (They kidnapped some extras to take with them to make moonshine and pecan pie.)

Traveling home from PA on December 23 was bad enough...people were anxious and in a rush to get home to see long-lost relatives, eat 15 pounds of food, and open mountains of useless presents. Traveling the day after New Year's was worse. Today, I was with those same people....that have been at their parents' house (or their in-laws') for week; sleeping on a sofa bed or blow up mattress for a week; are bloated from eating leftover ham and turkey for a week; likely hung-over from drinking way too much on New Year's Eve  for a week; and with screaming kids that have already figured out they no longer have to be "good".

Instead of driving with 'herds' of Grannies on a Sunday drive in the middle of Bristol Motor Speedway, I found myself driving in a NASCAR race.

Normally, driving fast doesn't bother me. I'm always a bit above the speed limit anyway....only 5mph over....I swear! But my car will only register 120mph. So I'm a little leery of going over that. Besides, the company would likely frown upon it.

I realize that most Southerners learned to drive in their Daddy's pickup out in the pasture. But for Pete's sake people.....what are you thinking? These people shouldn't be given a license, much less allowed to drive on the interstate!!

I do not understand how 50 cars can be going 80mph in double-file, tight lines, like we're following the pace car.....waiting on Green Flag Racing to commence. Then suddenly come to a screeching halt....

"Oh look honey....there's a unicorn farting rainbows on the side of the interstate!" 

(Admit it! You know you would stop to look at that!)

"Nevermind, that wasn't a unicorn little was just a deer-crossing road sign."

Back to Green Flag Racing!

And since we were in the NASCAR spirit today, I did get to spot some real rednecks.....the guy with the painted cowboy mural on the back of his Chevy Silverado...not just the back window. Oh no!!.....the tail gate had a matching scene!

Not to mention the guy driving the jacked-up Ford Ranger, with not one...but TWO sets of fog lights that were so bright he blinded everyone in their rearview and side mirrors. Jackhole! What's the purpose of that? Blind the deer so you can run them over? that's how you got the coveted title of "Buckmaster" you are so proudly displaying on your back window.

And I cannot forget the coolest guy on the road....your 1992 low-slung Honda Prelude with the flame paint job and rear spoiler made you the envy of all of your teenage friends....IN 1992!! The car is 20 years old. You are at least 36. It's time to dismantle the bumblebee exhaust and grow some facial hair. And buy a big-boy car. Or truck. Go trade in that rear spoiler for a tonal light system to go in the back of your pickup truck. Chicks dig it. I promise!

The thing that really just burns my skin about Interstate NASCAR is drafting. Unless you are Dale Earnhardt Jr., there really is no need to be drafting me on I-81.

FOR THE RECORD.....I am in the left lane to PASS someone. It's called the PASSING lane for a reason. So, be rest assured, I will pass this semi.

HOWEVER......if you choose to ride my ass so closely that I can't see your headlights.....well.....guess what??? I may or may not get around this truck any faster. I'm betting on the latter.

Oh, and flashing your lights at me just makes me want to kick you in the sack! And it's a sure-fire way to get me to slow down.


Now I want to stretch your scrotum over your head, fashion a hoodie out of it and use your vas deferens as a drawstring!!! The chances of me actually passing this semi just went from "sometime this evening".... screeching past "Oh-Hell-No"....and straight to "Sometime the day after Mrs. Clause announces that Chubby-Hubby was arrested for running an Elvin Brothel"!!


My dad keeps bugging me to get my carry permit. Let me just say it would be a dangerous world if I were to legally carry a weapon. I know how to shoot a gun. And some days, I wouldn't be afraid to use it. The world could stand for a few less stupid people.

Oh - but for the record, I am at least smart enough to 1) know I should check the concealed weapon laws of OTHER states and 2) not attempt surrendering my loaded weapon to police officers in a state that has STRICT carry laws. Oh for Pete's sake? Why did she have to be from Tennessee??

Gotta's been a LONG day....

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