Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Deep-fried diabetes

Today's Miles: 1.5 miles on the steady tready.

Do you have a life altering disease?

No? Good for you!

Oh wait, what was that? Oh, yes, you do? I'm sorry. But why the hell didn't you share it with the world? It's OUR business to know YOUR health so that WE can criticize YOUR choices!

I didn't tell ANYONE about my diabetes for nearly one year after my diagnosis. NO ONE. Not family. Not friends. Not the random guy I past on the street. NO ONE. Why not? Maybe it was because it was simply no one's F***ing business??? Or maybe it was just because the random guy on the street could care less.

But seriously - the reason I didn't tell anyone is because I knew that "the telling" of the disease would be followed with "the questions" about the disease. And I didn't have the answers. I had to figure it out on my terms. I had to figure out how to continue to live my life, be happy, enjoy the little things, and still eat.

Oh, that's the shitter about having type 2 diabetes.....you just can't stop eating!? You can't just eliminate sugar and be cured! Each individual with the disease has tolerance levels, triggers, & hands-off food. Each individual has to figure these things out on their terms. Having some third party (doctor, nutritionist, family member, nosy neighbor that knows all) tell you all about what you CAN'T eat does not help.

Oh, and guess what.....it's not just obesity that causes type 2 diabetes. I have obese friends that do no have diabetes....but I do! Does it put you at a higher risk factor? Yep. But your genetics have a lot to do with it. Your age has a lot to do with it. Other diseases and medications that you take also can trigger type 2 diabetes. Don't you DARE hear "so-and-so" has diabetes....and assume....Well, she must be a fat-ass. 

Call me a fat-ass and see what happens. I guarantee I'm fit enough to make you regret that statement. I've run 2 half-marathons. I've run several 5K's and 10K's. Until this latest foot injury, I ran 4 times a week for 2-6 miles a run. I'm still running 3 times a week at low mileage, but also lifting weights and strength training. My bad cholesterol is low. My good cholesterol is high. My blood pressure is on the low side of normal. My resting heart rate is 52. I'm only 10 lbs overweight according to my doctor. So....am I unhealthy? Am I an obese slob that can't walk away from a Krispy Kreme? Not hardly.

And guess what, most doctors are IGNORANT on type 2 diabetes. My doctor wanted to immediately put me on drugs and injections.....Uh....no thank you very much! I watched my Pappaw's blood sugar swing higher and lower than my nephew on the playground on a daily basis because of his medication. And I saw how that effected him....Not.Pretty. I wanted no part of that. So, against my doctor's advice, I told him to shove those drugs wherever he would like to experience the side-effects and let me figure this out on my terms. I mean, it wasn't like it was going to kill me within the next 6 months.

In fact, it took nearly a year to figure out I did not have full-blown type 2 diabetes. My doctors were SO on top of it. I have hyperinsulinemia with hypoglycemia. (Look it up if you want to get technical about it). The everyday reality is that if I eat something with super high levels of sugars/simple carbs (or a lot over a days time), my blood sugar will spike, then bottom out. It also means that I have to eat a regular intervals to keep from bottoming out as well. However, exercise is a HUGE advantage and allows me to eat those things that I probably shouldn't but living life without them is depressing....who wants to live without cake and ice cream???

It's a fun roller-coaster to live on everyday. Is it diabetes-like? Absolutely. Will it lead to full blown diabetes? Most likely. So far, despite my doctor's initial advice, I am able to control it (for the most part) with diet and exercise. I have my days where I realize....well, maybe I shouldn't have eaten that particular Chinese dish or maybe I shouldn't have eaten that ENTIRE dessert. But for the most part, I keep my sugar in check....without drugs. Not everyone is capable of doing this. And that's okay. Medication is not right for ME at THIS time. I know there will likely come a day where in order to live a fully & happy life, medication will be necessary. But not yet, not for me.

But back to the point of this blog....if you haven't heard, The Queen of Butter, Mrs. Paula Deen has type 2 diabetes...and she's known about it for 3 years!! GASP!!! She should be battered and deep-fried for lying to her fans!!

Seriously people. It's none of your flipping business if Paula's got type 2 diabetes or gonorrhea. Does she have a cooking show that involves deep frying, batter, butter and sugar....yep. Does she say SHE eats like this every day? Nope. And really - did you REALLY think she ate like that daily? She'd weigh 700 lbs!! Does she say YOU should eat like that every day? NO. Come on people. Get off your high horse and look in the mirror.

If you eat 'clean' every day of your life....well....good for you!! I personally like eating a piece of cake or pie or biscuits and gravy and breaded and fried chicken. But I also like salads, vinaigrettes, & fresh vegetables. I cook low-calorie meals. But I also cook high-calorie meals. I'm making lasagna for dinner tonight WITH garlic breadsticks! (GASP!!!) 

Guess I should be deep fried too for promoting high-calorie meals. You want to throw someone else in for fun? You should read my friend Rachael Burkhart's blog ("Milk Cans and Cake Pans" - can't get the link to work...but look it up...Hilarious!).....you'd think that chick was F.A.T. with all that stuff she cooks, stews, bakes and fries. But guess what - she might weigh a buck10 soaking wet (or wearing 15 layers of UA and Carhartt while feeding cows during the winter). She's fit. She's trim. Just because she makes 3 dozen cookies....doesn't mean she eats them all!! (At least not in one setting) Just because she makes pies and cakes that would make Paula Deen swoon doesn't mean she eats the whole damn thing!

Sorry for the rant. But trying to bring someone down because they didn't tell YOU about THEIR health problems.... well for me today, that's the definition of being an ass.

Gotta run...

Friday, January 13, 2012

How to win in a pissing contest when you only have two legs

Today's Miles - none. I'm a lazy honey badger today.

For those of you who don't know, I work in the field of agriculture. Am I a farmer? No. Do I advise farmers? Yes. Do I advise advisers of farmers? Yes.

One thing about the field of agriculture that is a guarantee - it is a man's world.

This reality is changing a bit, but for the most part, I am surrounded by men daily. Old men; young men; intelligent men; 4-quarters-shy-of-a-full-dollar men; Yankee men; Southern men; gentlemen; brute men; egotistical men; humble men; sexist men; open-minded men; conservative men; liberal men. I've been called Honey, Sweetie, Baby, Ma'am, Little Lady, Miss, Doll, Cutie, and my all-time favorite, That Girl. (Don't you just wish your Mom & Dad named you that when you were born?)

You name it,
I've seen it.
I've heard it.
I've lived it.

Every stare. Every whistle. Every check-out-my-ass-glance. Every "innocent hug". Every joke. Every snide remark. Every rude remark. Every sexist remark. Sexual harassment - yep...to an extent. Never been pressured for sex for my job - which is good...for him anyway. Herman Cain wouldn't have survived that limo ride with me. He'd be known as Herman Can't-No-More.

Many of my lady-friends can relate as they may work in other men-dominated fields....lawyers, sports, truck-drivers, etc.

So, I've spent most of my adult-working-life, standing on a farm or sitting in a meeting or presenting at a conference, surrounded by men. When I first started down this path, I rethought my decision because I realized that for the most part, my colleagues (and those I was trying to advise) were not quick to accept this high-spirited, well-versed, knowledgeable, opinionated woman. (Gasp!!! I know you're shocked. I was too.) But my daddy taught me well.

Suck it up. Accept what you can't change. Learn to work with what you've got. Grow some balls.

So - grow some balls I did.

I learned to read men. Who really is a bigot? Or who just thinks I really find their slime charming? Who do I need on my side for future use? Who is simply an obstacle in my way?

I learned to play men. I can turn on some Southern Charm so smooth it would make Paula Deen proud. I can channel Dolly Parton's wit and care-free (but make no mistake it's oh-so-calculated) attitude like nobody's business.

But the one thing I could never do....join in a pissing contest. I'm one leg shy of having the right equipment for that game. (Ladies - you know what I'm talking about. Sitting around watching guys trying to 'one-up' each other. Who's got the biggest schlong?)

Mostly, I just sit there and want to roll my eyes back in my head far enough that it will cause me to pass out. Or, I pretend I'm sitting in front of a bunch of 4-year old boys....

Oh yeah! Well I can do this or that!

Oh Yeah!! I can do this, like that and it's better than yours!

OH YEAH!! Well, I bet you can't do THIS - but I can!!

That, at least, entertains me to a point. I have often wanted to slam my hand down on the table, or up the back side of their heads, and say - "OKAY boys! Let's put them away and actually try to solve this problem. We all have valid ideas and opinions. Let's play nice for a bit."

But I don't. Simply because I know that won't work. They'd just keep on going with their Who's-Got-The-Biggest-Schlong-Game and think - "That Girl doesn't have any idea what we're trying to accomplish here. She's just wasting valuable time."

So, what to do, what to do??? This has been the one situation that I couldn't figure out how to handle....until now.

Picture this ladies.....

You're at a conference table discussing the future of this fabulous company you work for. You've been doing some market research, and you have an innovative and guaranteed way to make your company millions. But the boys at the table are re-hashing old ideas. The ones they've used before. The tried-and-true-always-the-same-half-ass-results. But Joe's idea will make $$ and only cost $. Jack's will make $$$ and cost $. Etc., etc., etc. The way you break into the conversation with a guarantee you'll get their full attention....

Slowly, reach down into your overnight-sized-purse (this size is necessary), pull out and proudly display on the table....... a 12 inch long dildo.

Then, calmly (no giggling) and without hesitation (yes, you just produced a dildo) speak your mind.

Don't worry if they are not listening. They're not. They'll be staring at this on-demand, biggest schlong in the room. They'll also be nodding when you ask a question, in an automatic response that they aren't even aware of. Then, (within a couple of minutes before their shock-and-awe wears off) say - "Okay great, I'm glad we can agree.....we'll follow my plan! Thanks for your support, I'm sure that we'll make this the best project ever."

Then, calmly put your schlong back in it's carrying case.

Feel free to vary the use of the Super Schlong.
  • Pick a bright pink one, or blue. 
  • One with big balls attached. 
  • Slap a Hello Kitty sticker on it like a tattoo. 
  • Gold plate the sucker. 
  • Hell, put a skirt and false eyelashes on it!
  • Put a suction cup on the base so you can make it stand at attention for your entire speech. Or flick it one good time and watch it dance like a Hula girl. 
  • Attach it to a stick so you can use it as a pointer. 
  • Insert a laser pointer in the head so that when you squeeze it light shoots out the hole.
  • If necessary, you may also use it as a slap stick. Nothing will get a guy's attention quicker than being smacked in the forehead with a dildo.

But be careful. The Super Schlong has great power. Do not over use it. Otherwise, they'll start to think you're a slut and getting off in the bathroom or under your desk. Use it sparingly and only when necessary.

Editorial note:
Some of my friends wonder where I come up with this stuff? Am I really that weird? Am I that twisted? Am I partially psychotic? Yep. Yep. And Possible. BUT...I've figured out at least that I'm not completely to blame. It's genetic. It's not my totally my fault!!! You can't fight your genes you know!! How do I know this? Because this blog was inspired by my hilarious cousin Aubrey's FB post:

I have decided to order a dildo and keep it in my purse for those occasions 
in life where other people who have penises start wagging them 
about in a power play. That way, I can whip mine out and 
waggle it around too. Once all the waggling is done - 
maybe we can get something accomplished.

That was the funniest damn thing I've ever read on Facebook.

BTW - I'm surrounded by women like this.....another FB post by a friend later that same day...the next funniest thing I've ever read on FB

JH: Embryo Mail cracks me up! :)
Comment: LE   What kind of music do you like? Country usually suffices but there's something about ACDC that gets sperm going:)
Comment: JH   I would argue that sperm like that too! My sperm always seemed to like Jason Aldean and Eli Young Band ;)

Gotta run....

Monday, January 2, 2012

The Great Migration

Today's Miles: 1.5 miles on the treadmill. 548 miles behind the wheel.

* today's post has absolutely nothing to do with running *


This was the tamest thing out of my mouth today. For all of my followers (a total of 6) that have been missing some wild, twisted, Kristy's on the road again, kind of stories - well today is YOUR day!

(I don't know who Pete is. But for his sake, I hope he's safe at home and did not have to travel over this holiday season.)

Ever watch the great migration of wildebeest in Africa on the Animal Planet or NatGeo? It's a fantastic scene of a bazillion wildebeest from all over the place coming together to travel a great distance...... together......(for what exactly? grass? water? breeding? I can't remember. It's not important.) What is important is that they stick TO...GETH...ER.  If you leave the herd....you will die. If you're the first to cross the river.....you will die. If you're the last to cross the river...you will die. If you stray, lolly-gag or get side-tracked.....you will die. I have experienced The Great Migration and lived to tell about it.

If you remember back to my comment about traveling in herds the day before Christmas Eve down Interstate 81....well, the herd returned north today.

I'm seriously beginning to think that all Northerners have Southern roots....which might explain my theory of Rednecks are everywhere! (FYI - someone actually found that blog post by searching for "Redneck & Boobs"....some people just dumbfound me.)  Back to my point....Why else did 10,000 people go South on I-81 the day before Christmas Eve to see Granny and 15,000 people went North on I-81 the day after New Year's? (They kidnapped some extras to take with them to make moonshine and pecan pie.)

Traveling home from PA on December 23 was bad enough...people were anxious and in a rush to get home to see long-lost relatives, eat 15 pounds of food, and open mountains of useless presents. Traveling the day after New Year's was worse. Today, I was with those same people....that have been at their parents' house (or their in-laws') for week; sleeping on a sofa bed or blow up mattress for a week; are bloated from eating leftover ham and turkey for a week; likely hung-over from drinking way too much on New Year's Eve  for a week; and with screaming kids that have already figured out they no longer have to be "good".

Instead of driving with 'herds' of Grannies on a Sunday drive in the middle of Bristol Motor Speedway, I found myself driving in a NASCAR race.

Normally, driving fast doesn't bother me. I'm always a bit above the speed limit anyway....only 5mph over....I swear! But my car will only register 120mph. So I'm a little leery of going over that. Besides, the company would likely frown upon it.

I realize that most Southerners learned to drive in their Daddy's pickup out in the pasture. But for Pete's sake people.....what are you thinking? These people shouldn't be given a license, much less allowed to drive on the interstate!!

I do not understand how 50 cars can be going 80mph in double-file, tight lines, like we're following the pace car.....waiting on Green Flag Racing to commence. Then suddenly come to a screeching halt....

"Oh look honey....there's a unicorn farting rainbows on the side of the interstate!" 

(Admit it! You know you would stop to look at that!)

"Nevermind, that wasn't a unicorn little Billy....it was just a deer-crossing road sign."

Back to Green Flag Racing!

And since we were in the NASCAR spirit today, I did get to spot some real rednecks.....the guy with the painted cowboy mural on the back of his Chevy Silverado...not just the back window. Oh no!!.....the tail gate had a matching scene!

Not to mention the guy driving the jacked-up Ford Ranger, with not one...but TWO sets of fog lights that were so bright he blinded everyone in their rearview and side mirrors. Jackhole! What's the purpose of that? Blind the deer so you can run them over? Oh....so that's how you got the coveted title of "Buckmaster" you are so proudly displaying on your back window.

And I cannot forget the coolest guy on the road....your 1992 low-slung Honda Prelude with the flame paint job and rear spoiler made you the envy of all of your teenage friends....IN 1992!! The car is 20 years old. You are at least 36. It's time to dismantle the bumblebee exhaust and grow some facial hair. And buy a big-boy car. Or truck. Go trade in that rear spoiler for a tonal light system to go in the back of your pickup truck. Chicks dig it. I promise!

The thing that really just burns my skin about Interstate NASCAR is drafting. Unless you are Dale Earnhardt Jr., there really is no need to be drafting me on I-81.

FOR THE RECORD.....I am in the left lane to PASS someone. It's called the PASSING lane for a reason. So, be rest assured, I will pass this semi.

HOWEVER......if you choose to ride my ass so closely that I can't see your headlights.....well.....guess what??? I may or may not get around this truck any faster. I'm betting on the latter.

Oh, and flashing your lights at me just makes me want to kick you in the sack! And it's a sure-fire way to get me to slow down.


Now I want to stretch your scrotum over your head, fashion a hoodie out of it and use your vas deferens as a drawstring!!! The chances of me actually passing this semi just went from "sometime this evening".... screeching past "Oh-Hell-No"....and straight to "Sometime the day after Mrs. Clause announces that Chubby-Hubby was arrested for running an Elvin Brothel"!!


My dad keeps bugging me to get my carry permit. Let me just say it would be a dangerous world if I were to legally carry a weapon. I know how to shoot a gun. And some days, I wouldn't be afraid to use it. The world could stand for a few less stupid people.

Oh - but for the record, I am at least smart enough to 1) know I should check the concealed weapon laws of OTHER states and 2) not attempt surrendering my loaded weapon to police officers in a state that has STRICT carry laws. Oh for Pete's sake? Why did she have to be from Tennessee??

Gotta run......it's been a LONG day....

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Out with the Old, In with the New


Did you have fun last night??

Did you drink too much??

Did you stay up and count in the New Year??

Were you a universal party go-er and welcome in the New Year for Japan, Australia, India, Spain, Iceland and the United States??

Do you have a hang-over??

If you want my answers....they can all be summed up in one word....Nope.

Okay, maybe the first one was an "Okay."

Mark and I, the ultimate party animals that we are, made a homemade pizza last night (which is always fabulous of course), watched an old episode of "The Closer" that's been on the DVR for 2 months, let the fire in the fireplace smoke up the house so much the smoke alarm went off, aired out the house, got headaches from the smoke, and went to bed by 9:30 p.m.

We    R.O.C.K.

Aren't you jealous?

I'm somewhat jealous of all my friends posting NYE pictures on Facebook looking like they are having one hell of a time. I'm just too lazy to stay up that late just to celebrate the passing of midnight. And I can't drink. Which means I also won't have a hangover...or a blood sugar episode....YAY!

But I hope all of my friends had a very safe and very Happy New Year celebration.

Have you made your resolution(s)? Want to lose weight? Take more time off? Go on an exotic vacation? Be a nicer person? Good luck with that. They say less than 10% of resolutions are actually kept. That's why I made mine in December. It's a December resolution, not a New Year resolution. So I'm already on the right track!

My goal for this year is to do more cross training. I started a few weeks ago with some light power yoga. I got gutsy yesterday and went for a 4 circuit weight lifting extravaganza. Needless to say that today, I can't sit down on the toilet without nearly passing out.

I find it hilarious that I can run 13.1 miles, but I can't do a "regular" push-up more than 4 times without losing form. I have to do the girly ones. And even then, when I get to 10, I have to take a break. I did a total of 40 yesterday. In addition to avoiding the toilet today, I can't lift my arms, but lucky for you, my fingers can still type!

Okay, since this one hasn't been my hilarious rant about something going wrong in life (don't worry, I'm saving up to bust it out on a windows store in West Knoxville), I feel the need to leave you with this little bit of info.

I HATE being cold. I HATE being chilled. So, guess how much I love having to go to states like Pennsylvania, New York, Wisconsin and Minnesota from December through April. If you're still wondering, let me make it clear for you...I HATE IT!!!

You with me now?

I've worn UnderArmour Base 2.0 in the past, with about 3 more layers (and a North Face tri-climate coat) on top of it. And still got cold.

So, I've invested in heavier and more base layers. I went with an UnderArmour Base 4.0 (anxiously awaiting it's arrival!) and thought I'd try a Patagonia base called Capilene. All the hunters up north swear by it (according to some random hunter's forum I found on the web). A friend recommended a discount outlet for outdoor gear (Moosejaw.com - I highly recommend it!). And I found some Capilene 3 on sale!! The only problem was that the top and the bottom in the size I wanted were only on sale (50%) if I got a teal blue color. Saving a total of $50 was more important than caring what color my long underwear was.

EXCEPT, the Capilene arrived yesterday. And I tried it on. And I laughed. And I'm still laughing. You want to laugh with me???

Remember the TellaTubbies? Was there a teal blue one? Well, pretend there was.....and put my head on it.

Sorry, no pics. Never.

From now on....I'm only ordering black base layers. On sale or not.

OH!! And just a little FYI for all of those that do not care....I ran a total of 549 miles last year!

Gotta run......