Saturday, October 20, 2012

I'm NOT a terrorist!!!

Today's miles: none, unless you count the 867 trips around the house picking up a weeks worth of construction trash and wood chips....I think the maid quit.

To the FBI Agent that is reading this blog: Really. I'm not a terrorist. Just a smart-ass.

I've been a bit busy of know...with my regular 7am-10pm M-F job that takes me to glamorous locations like Shawano, Wisconsin...and then there's this little monster of a house we're building. I asked Mark if he was tired tonight.

He said he'd been tired since July.

(I think that's when we broke ground.)

A quick update on the house....the house & garage are framed in. More than half of the windows are in. We're working on rough-in plumbing. It's going great!

But enough of the boring stuff....

My friend Megan has reminded me that I haven't blogged and she needed a this is for you Megan....

#1: I'm drunk. 

Seriously. I can't feel my face right now. I haven't been "drunk" since college (I graduated in 1999).

What brought this on, you ask???

One glass of wine.

Yes. You read that right.


An exact 6.5 oz glass of wine.

I'm such a slush. And I'm wired. And Mark's tired....

#2: I don't consume enough protein. 

I met with a trainer about a week ago to help me out in the nutrition/strength training areas of life. I'm supposed to be consuming 171 g of protein a day. That's a lot of Effing Protein! I've been trying some protein shakes. So far my review of most of them....God awful concoctions. Not very funny...but I thought I'd put that out there and save you the trouble.

#3: Don't mess with the TSA.

That one should be self explanatory. But then there's me. With my inability to keep my mouth shut. Let me explain...

Last week, I had the prison sentence opportunity to spend a week in South Dakota. Not the Mt Rushmore, Black Hills side....the east side. Where all of the dairy farms are of course! I've only been up there a couple of times before. Once everything was covered in snow. The second time I stayed in the city at a conference hotel. What I knew about South Dakota before I left....1) it was going to be COLD (and I HATE the COLD) and 2) it was going to be hair was not prepared for 35+ mph winds with gusts up to 65mph....

It normally takes HOURS of prep to look This good!!

What I did not know is that TODAY is the opening day of pheasant hunting season!!! Big deal...right????

Oh, you bet your pretty little panties it's a BIG deal!!!

Apparently thousands and thousands of people flock to South Dakota to hunt pheasant....and apparently all on opening weekend.

Anyway...I was scheduled to fly out of Sioux Falls, SD on Friday afternoon. I was actually happy to learn that extra flights and planes were coming into the Sioux Falls CrackerJack Box Airport on Friday...because I was pretty well guaranteed there would be some extra planes and seats going out...just in case my plane broke.

I arrive at the airport much earlier than needed because my meeting ended early. The Sioux Falls CrackerJack Box Airport has 7 gates. And only 3 are used regularly. Except on Friday. I would describe how many people I saw...except they were all wearing I didn't really see anyone.

Sioux Falls pulled out all of the stops to make the hunters feel welcome! They even had a TRADE SHOW..... in the flipping AIRPORT!!!

A brief interlude between arriving flights...

They had taxidermists, free cookies, free hats, blaze orange "My Cock is bigger than Your Cock" hats (I'm not joking on that one!), hunting guides, camo clothes, and more! It was a free-for-all!

They even had ladies in camo greeting the hunters as they came off of the planes handing out free water bottles!

They also had A LOT of security!!! I've never seen that many cops, US Customs Agents and TSA Agents in one airport....not even a big airport! But I guess it was necessary. Everyone had a gun.

I meant EVERYONE had a gun. They even set up a special gun checking/retrieval station. Once your luggage came off the plane, you proceeded to the gun claim section where the cops checked your paperwork and you could retrieve your guns.

After most of the guns had been claimed and the crowd thinned out a bit...

When I first walked in the Sioux Falls CrackerJack Box Airport, the first thing I saw was the gun check station, and there were about 40 guns on those tables. A somewhat unsettling sight. I guess I should have felt safe...right??!!! I mean, these are just Good Ol' Boys!! Not terrorists or anything!!

Uh....HELLO????!!! Dick Cheney ring a bell anyone!!??? These guys were so pumped up and excited about opening day, they'll probably wind up shooting themselves in the face before they ever get to the field!

After I enjoyed redneck people watching for about an was time for me to head through security. Same old, same old. Just a different day, a different airport. Take off my shoes, belt, jacket. Take my computer out of my backpack. Take my lotion out of my back pack...the only liquid I ever carry-on. Take everything out of my pockets. Walk through the scanner.....

"Ma'am. We're going to have to pat you down as something in your back pocket alerted the scanner. Please face the side to which your belongings are on."

No big deal. They are courteous. Professional. I didn't get felt up or anything. Nothing to complain about. Buttons on pockets do this all of the time...

"Ma'am. Is this your bag? We're going to have to scan it again."

Okay. Scan away. While I'm thinking...."Crap....did I leave my screw driver in my pack AGAIN? That will be the 5th one I've given up this year!!"

"Ma'am. Could you please step over here? We need to scan your hands for residues. And we need to look inside your bag. Are these your shoes too?"

Now I'm thinking...."Shit! What did I forget in my pack? OR What have I gotten ON my back pack??? I've been on farms this week. Did I set it down in a storage room? Crap! What's on my shoes?"

This is one of my biggest fears. I'm on farms almost daily. Sometimes a LOT of farms. I'm typically in barns where they house equipment and chemicals. Where they store stuff. Where fertilizer is sometimes stored. And guess what will get the TSA in a frenzy......traces of explosive residues.....

Like. Nitrogen. Fertilizer.

Just as my blood pressure is really getting high and I'm wondering how to explain why I've been around explosives.......she proceeds to pull this out of my bag......

"Ma'am I believe this counts as a liquid."

Me - "Seriously."

"Yes. It is."

Then she & a more senior agent, her 'back-up' I suppose, proceed to have a conversation about whether or not peanut butter counts as a liquid or gel or solid. After a couple of minutes of listening intently and getting a thorough education from the TSA on what constitutes a gel vs a solid; and how semi-solids should be considered in the liquid/gel category even though they are really a solid.....but 'not-really' a solid....

Me - "Well I would think that if it's a liquid or gel, it's still below the maximum allowable size...right?"

"Well, I guess that would be right. But there's something else in here we need to examine."

Uh-Oh.....Now, she's found my secret weapon.

"Ma'am. We can't let you through security with this."

Me - "Seriously???"

"Yes ma'am. It is considered a weapon."

Me - "Seriously.... "


Me - "It's small. It's plastic. It's not even a metal one. How could that possibly be considered a weapon?"

Then she and the senior agent proceed to have a conversation about whether or not this constituted a weapon. At this point, I'm actually getting impatient - which is very rare for me in airports.

But really.

I can't stand it anymore.

I. Have. To. Say. Something.

Me - "So........ Would it help if I unloaded it?"

That's when the wiser of the two agents decided that I was not MacGyver and could not possibly bring a plane down with Jif, a stapler, and some fertilizer residue on my pack.

Gotta buzz is gone...