Sunday, October 30, 2011

And the award goes to...

Today's Miles: 2 miles. Recovering from yesterday's last long run..

In less than 7 days, I will be running the Kickin' Asphalt 1/2 Marathon in Murphy, NC. For my non-runner friends, that's 13.1 miles in a NC mountain town with a population of probably around 200....which is about 120 more than what have registered for this race as of Friday....but I'll get to that in a minute.

I went on my last long run yesterday...9 miles. 9.Very.Long.Miles. But it was so much better than the very miserable 12 miler last weekend. The 12 miler included 6 miles of two calf muscles locked up tighter than Sister Mary Claire's chastity belt. After that run....I seriously did not want to run again.


For about 3 days.

So, back to this half-marathon. 

Originally, my friend Megan and I were going to run a new 1/2 marathon in Knoxville. But it got canceled....and I find out after we had started training. So, I went in a mad search to find another 1/2 marathon in the NC/TN area within a couple of hours drive of Knoxville, TN and Franklin, NC. And by chance or dumb luck, I found the 1/2 marathon in Murphy. I've never been to Murphy. For some reason I have a feeling it's much like Mayberry. 

I've been burning up with questions about this race over the last week. The website is so completely vague that I was getting very concerned about some of these things! I remember stories from other running friends about being in some Mayberry 1/2 Marathon that didn't have water breaks; what if I don't get to Murphy Friday night in time to pick up my packet; wonder if they have any good restaurants; will they have Gatorade at the water stops (or are they going cheapo and getting a nasty knock-off)? Seriously. These kind of questions have been keeping me up at night.  So, I did like every other anal runner. I emailed the race director with about 13 questions.

To my relief, there are lots of water breaks, Gatorade stops, and even Jelly Belly stops! They've got porta potties spread out along the course (though hopefully I won't need one). 

Back to how small of a town/race this is going to of Friday, there were 80 registered. Megan made 81. Seriously. We may actually come in LAST! 

However, if I play my cards right, I can trip my good friend Megan before we get to the finish line.....and I won't be last!!! (Just Kidding Meg! I'll give you a gentle shove backward across the finish line! :)

And best news of all.....THEY'RE GIVING OUT MEDALS AT THE END!! 

This may sound silly....but if I'm going to run 13.1 miles....I want some hardware at the end!

In fact, I've decided that someone needs to be standing at the end of my driveway with hardware at the end of any run that's longer than 9 miles. Really! I'm fairly certain it takes more talent to run that long and hard than to read a script for a movie....Right? 

First, I would like to thank God for giving me the ability to run...

And I want to thank my very patient, very loving and very understanding husband who couldn't be with me tonight because he's working. Thanks babe for putting up with my running-stuff.

Athleta, you make THE best keep-you-warm, sweat-wick-ing-ness running gear ever!

 To Dr. Gipson, despite your best efforts to get me to stop, but with your help, you keep my feet in-tact so that I can run! simply make the best shoes on the planet!

Victoria's Secret....Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! for No-Seam panties.

Maroon 5, Kelly Clarkson, Nickelback, Daughtry and Lady Gaga....I just simply couldn't make it past 6 miles without you.

Gatorade and Jelly Belly....thanks for keeping the cramps at bay...this time.

God... again....for water.

To the man that invented the hot water are SOOOO flipping AWESOME!! I want to name all of my kids after you.....but "Hot Water Heater Man Campbell" doesn't really have a ring to it?

Foot can I ever say thank you enough for selling the most insanely expensive, but oh-so-necessary neutral foot-bed orthotic houseshoes! Really. I'm not joking.

And finally to Aasics, thank you for making the sexiest Granny compression socks on the planet!

Gotta Run.....

Oh and thanks to all the little people....for whatever it is you do...

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

A handicapped blog...

Today's Miles: big fat 0. Still recovering from 12 on Sunday. Yes....12.

I'm scheduled to give a big talk at a national meeting in January on a topic that I know like the back of my hand. Seriously, I could talk to anyone about this and they'd fully understand what I was talking about even if they were from Mars and had no idea where milk came from. Add to this the fact that developing and giving entertaining and educational presentations was all I did for over 8 years in my previous job...this should be no problem.

So WHY do I have writer's block? I'm totally hopeless. And I've noticed that when I started working on this presentation, I had nothing to say on my blog. Now I've got blogger's block too!

To alleviate this, I'm giving a pictorial tonight....on how NOT to set up a bathroom in a handicap suite...

Step 1 - Make the doorway too small. Still can't figure out why the door into the room was narrow, but the door into the bathroom was huge. Seems you must come into the room first before going into the bathroom...right?

Step 2 - Make the room too small to maneuver a wheelchair around. (Surprise, this room was huge!)

And just for clarity...let's do a close up of this shot....

Why yes...a telephone that only rings the front desk hanging on the wall next to the crapper. Why wouldn't a handicapped person need this? Maybe because they've got some self respect. Even if my wheelchair accidentally rolled out the door and my stump arm fell off, I'd crawl naked and soiled to said chair before I called Joe Smuck working the front desk at the hotel for help!?

Oh, and please note the television mounted above the crapper. It's there for the people infected with Owl's Disease. And the vanity mirror BEHIND the TV is such a nice touch....don't you think?

One last thing....for health's sake....please leave a urine sample on the back of the toilet with the cups provided....Thanks!

Step 3 - Position the vanity right beside the bath tub so that only little people in wheel chairs can actually get to the shower seat.

Step 4 - Make the seat spring loaded so that when the person is done bathing, they can be catapulted back into their wheelchair!

Step 5 - Make the faucet as complicated as possible.
Turn faucet to the On position

Adjust temperature dial.

Pop the tap to turn on the shower instead of tub.

Only to realize that the shower head does NOT turn on automatically.

STAND UP to flip the button on the shower head

While you're STANDING in your wheelchair, adjust that knob to lower the shower head since you'll be SITTING in the catapult seat at the back of the shower.

I have a new found appreciation to what a handicapped person must endure....the stupidity of others...

Gotta bed hopefully.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

The Big O

Today's Miles: 621 miles.....on my butt. On my feet...0. It's a "Rest Day."

It’s time we have a serious discussion. There’s no need to whisper about it. No need to be shy, embarrassed or appalled. Really – it’s the Big O. We’ve all had one. We all want another one. Just admit it and we can move on.

Some people enjoy them on a regular basis. Some have them frequently. (Can you have too many?) But sadly, there are those that have never experienced this kind of heavenly bliss. Yes. Really. There are people that have never…. I feel so bad for those people.

And then there are the fakers. You know who they are. They want you to think that was the Big O, but it was just a sad imitation that left everyone a little bloated and completely unsatisfied. You just can’t fake the Big O.

I use to have them all of the time. Every chance I got, I had one. Sadly, I’ve not had one in over 7 years. Yes…’s been 7 years. I remember the last one like it was yesterday. When I close my eyes and think about it, I get tingly all over. But this also makes me jealous of those that can enjoy them still.

For instance, Mark can have them….I just don’t want to know about it. That would be like rubbing it in. So he has to sneak around to get his. He knows better than to discuss them with me and/or come home smelling like he’s enjoyed that bliss. Otherwise, the less I know the better…and we’re both happier for it.

But I've caught him red-handed. There was no denying. No covering it up. It was there right in front of my face. He thought he got them snuck in while I was out of town. But he just wasn't sneaky enough this time.

What did you think I was talking about?

Gotta run....