How to win in a pissing contest when you only have two legs

Today's Miles - none. I'm a lazy honey badger today.

For those of you who don't know, I work in the field of agriculture. Am I a farmer? No. Do I advise farmers? Yes. Do I advise advisers of farmers? Yes.

One thing about the field of agriculture that is a guarantee - it is a man's world.

This reality is changing a bit, but for the most part, I am surrounded by men daily. Old men; young men; intelligent men; 4-quarters-shy-of-a-full-dollar men; Yankee men; Southern men; gentlemen; brute men; egotistical men; humble men; sexist men; open-minded men; conservative men; liberal men. I've been called Honey, Sweetie, Baby, Ma'am, Little Lady, Miss, Doll, Cutie, and my all-time favorite, That Girl. (Don't you just wish your Mom & Dad named you that when you were born?)

You name it,
I've seen it.
I've heard it.
I've lived it.

Every stare. Every whistle. Every check-out-my-ass-glance. Every "innocent hug". Every joke. Every snide remark. Every rude remark. Every sexist remark. Sexual harassment - yep...to an extent. Never been pressured for sex for my job - which is good...for him anyway. Herman Cain wouldn't have survived that limo ride with me. He'd be known as Herman Can't-No-More.

Many of my lady-friends can relate as they may work in other men-dominated fields....lawyers, sports, truck-drivers, etc.

So, I've spent most of my adult-working-life, standing on a farm or sitting in a meeting or presenting at a conference, surrounded by men. When I first started down this path, I rethought my decision because I realized that for the most part, my colleagues (and those I was trying to advise) were not quick to accept this high-spirited, well-versed, knowledgeable, opinionated woman. (Gasp!!! I know you're shocked. I was too.) But my daddy taught me well.

Suck it up. Accept what you can't change. Learn to work with what you've got. Grow some balls.

So - grow some balls I did.

I learned to read men. Who really is a bigot? Or who just thinks I really find their slime charming? Who do I need on my side for future use? Who is simply an obstacle in my way?

I learned to play men. I can turn on some Southern Charm so smooth it would make Paula Deen proud. I can channel Dolly Parton's wit and care-free (but make no mistake it's oh-so-calculated) attitude like nobody's business.

But the one thing I could never do....join in a pissing contest. I'm one leg shy of having the right equipment for that game. (Ladies - you know what I'm talking about. Sitting around watching guys trying to 'one-up' each other. Who's got the biggest schlong?)

Mostly, I just sit there and want to roll my eyes back in my head far enough that it will cause me to pass out. Or, I pretend I'm sitting in front of a bunch of 4-year old boys....

Oh yeah! Well I can do this or that!

Oh Yeah!! I can do this, like that and it's better than yours!

OH YEAH!! Well, I bet you can't do THIS - but I can!!

That, at least, entertains me to a point. I have often wanted to slam my hand down on the table, or up the back side of their heads, and say - "OKAY boys! Let's put them away and actually try to solve this problem. We all have valid ideas and opinions. Let's play nice for a bit."

But I don't. Simply because I know that won't work. They'd just keep on going with their Who's-Got-The-Biggest-Schlong-Game and think - "That Girl doesn't have any idea what we're trying to accomplish here. She's just wasting valuable time."


So, what to do, what to do??? This has been the one situation that I couldn't figure out how to handle....until now.

Picture this ladies.....

You're at a conference table discussing the future of this fabulous company you work for. You've been doing some market research, and you have an innovative and guaranteed way to make your company millions. But the boys at the table are re-hashing old ideas. The ones they've used before. The tried-and-true-always-the-same-half-ass-results. But Joe's idea will make $$ and only cost $. Jack's will make $$$ and cost $. Etc., etc., etc. The way you break into the conversation with a guarantee you'll get their full attention....

Slowly, reach down into your overnight-sized-purse (this size is necessary), pull out and proudly display on the table....... a 12 inch long dildo.

Then, calmly (no giggling) and without hesitation (yes, you just produced a dildo) speak your mind.

Don't worry if they are not listening. They're not. They'll be staring at this on-demand, biggest schlong in the room. They'll also be nodding when you ask a question, in an automatic response that they aren't even aware of. Then, (within a couple of minutes before their shock-and-awe wears off) say - "Okay great, I'm glad we can agree.....we'll follow my plan! Thanks for your support, I'm sure that we'll make this the best project ever."

Then, calmly put your schlong back in it's carrying case.

Feel free to vary the use of the Super Schlong.

• Pick a bright pink one, or blue. 
• One with big balls attached. 
• Slap a Hello Kitty sticker on it like a tattoo. 
• Gold plate the sucker. 
• Hell, put a skirt and false eyelashes on it!
• Put a suction cup on the base so you can make it stand at attention for your entire speech. Or flick it one good time and watch it dance like a Hula girl. 
• Attach it to a stick so you can use it as a pointer. 
• Insert a laser pointer in the head so that when you squeeze it light shoots out the hole.
• If necessary, you may also use it as a slap stick. Nothing will get a guy's attention quicker than being smacked in the forehead with a dildo.

But be careful. The Super Schlong has great power. Do not over use it. Otherwise, they'll start to think you're a slut and getting off in the bathroom or under your desk. Use it sparingly and only when necessary.



Editorial note:
Some of my friends wonder where I come up with this stuff? Am I really that weird? Am I that twisted? Am I partially psychotic? Yep. Yep. And Possible. BUT...I've figured out at least that I'm not completely to blame. It's genetic. It's not my totally my fault!!! You can't fight your genes you know!! How do I know this? Because this blog was inspired by my hilarious cousin Aubrey's FB post:

I have decided to order a dildo and keep it in my purse for those occasions 

in life where other people who have penises start wagging them 

about in a power play. That way, I can whip mine out and 

waggle it around too. Once all the waggling is done - 

maybe we can get something accomplished.

That was the funniest damn thing I've ever read on Facebook.

BTW - I'm surrounded by women like this.....another FB post by a friend later that same day...the next funniest thing I've ever read on FB

JH: Embryo Mail cracks me up! :)
Comment: LE   What kind of music do you like? Country usually suffices but there's something about ACDC that gets sperm going:)
Comment: JH   I would argue that sperm like that too! My sperm always seemed to like Jason Aldean and Eli Young Band ;)



Gotta run....