Tuesday, July 12, 2011


Today's Miles: None. Resting up for a track session at butt-crack dawn tomorrow. 

  1. headache ranging from nagging to raging migraine
  2. nausea and occasional vomiting 
  3.  EXHAUSTION to a level I cannot begin to describe
I KNOW what you are thinking. I’m pregnant. Right?? Is that it?? Am I expecting??

Not a chance on earth. Well, I’m sure there is one small tiny statistical chance – but not likely.

I never entertained the thought that I was pregnant. However, my sisters and mother sure did! I told them my symptoms, and the first thing that popped out of their mouths “You’re pregnant!” …with a little bit of shock and a lot of enthusiasm that I wasn’t quite comfortable with. After trying to convince them no – it was ruled that I:  1) was carrying the next Messiah 2) had Mono 3) had a gallbladder problem or 4) just a virus.

Apparently it was just a virus. I’m calling it the Miraculously-Preggar-Kissing-Indigestion Virus.

Thank the Lord it is over. I do not want to deal with a gallbladder problem or mono for the next month. And I certainly DO NOT want to be pregnant!

I know some women LOVE pregnancy, and would have babies all the time if they could afford them. I do not understand these women.

Moms will tell you, “Oh, when you take your first look at that baby, you’ll forget about those unpleasant things that lasted for 9 months, and you won’t remember the pain of childbirth.” 

And they say that with a straight face! I do not understand why more women are not participating in those poker tournaments on ESPN.

Let’s think about this for a minute…..

Numero Uno. I HATE to throw up. I’m a sympathetic-puker. I gag if my dog gags. Mark has to clean up the dog vomit in the house because I can’t do it. I will make myself throw up again, just because I heard myself throwing up. So I will not forget being sick for weeks on end.

Numero Dos. I HATE pain. I will endure self-inflicted pain from running, but that is not equal to the amount of pain caused by childbirth. Though I have never personally experienced childbirth, I have witnessed live birth in the animal world more times than I can count. I have had to pull calves out of their mommas, and I never once saw a cow enjoy the experience. And I have witnessed the birth of a child up close and personal…..what I saw was a hairy cantelope coming out of a vajayjay…..and I don’t care what you Mom’s say….That… Ain’t… Normal. And there’s nothing ‘beautiful’ about that. And good grief - dislocating my knee makes me throw-up....refer back to Numero Uno.

How could you possibly forget that???? I DO NOT forget.

It’s not just the fear of pregnancy that keeps me from being a Mom. I’m not a Mom because I’ll just admit it……I’m just not normal.

I was never the girl that played house, and played with dolls, and knew growing up that I’d fall in love, get married and have 2.4 kids. And we’d raise the little tikes in a quaint little house and watch them grow and become little people and then teenagers and then young adults….blah…blah…blah.

That ain’t me. I don’t like babies. There…..I said it….May all the other women in the world kick me out of the Sorority of Utero. It’s not that I hate babies. They just aren’t my thing…like some people don’t like green beans. I don’t mind babies….I just don’t want one.

I’m always amazed when friends/family have a baby and they bring that baby into a room of other women…..women of all ages are strangely transformed into a weird pack of baby sniffing dogs……They want to get a close look at the baby, smell it, touch it, hold it, feed it, burp it, change its diaper….

I… just… don’t… get… it.

I’ll hold your baby if you need me to. I’ll babysit if you need me to (which you probably won’t now after you’ve read this blog and that’s okay). But I just don’t go gonzo over babies.

I want to spend time alone with my husband. I don’t want to share him. I love my sleep. I NEED my sleep. I want to have a job….and one that doesn’t involve scheduling around everyone else. I want to be able to do what I want to do, When I want to do it. I want to see the world and go places I never dreamed existed, in which packing a kid along isn’t either possible or very convenient. I want to spend money on building a house, not another college fund…I’m still paying for MINE!!

Don’t get me wrong…kids are great – as long as they aren’t mine and I can send them home. I love my nieces and nephew dearly and would do anything in the world for them….except raise them. Unless for some unspeakable reason I needed to.  Which I guess now if my sisters read this, then I will not be chosen as a God-parent….

In reality, I am normal…I’m just selfish. And selfish people should not have kids. That never leads to anything good. Current headlines prove that point.

And FYI - Mark has been really tired this past week and had a migraine today.....He's Pregnant!!!

Gotta run……

1 comment:

  1. Well, I believe that is the single most entertaining blog piece I've read....hell, maybe ever ! :)