Friday, April 15, 2016

May I Borrow Your Penis? I Need To Pee!

There was a time in my life that when someone asked where I was from, and I responded with "Tennessee!" with way more enthusiasm than ever necessary. Then we would talk about Dolly Parton, and the Great Smoky Mountains, and Nashville, and GraceLand (why do people assume if you live in TN you've been to GraceLand?), and all kinds of wonderfully weird things.

It seems with each passing year, when I say I'm from "Tennessee!", I get questions - like

"What the hell is wrong with your state?" 

Indeed, I wonder the same thing.

Here's the latest: Some schmuck has proposed a law that LEGALLY assigns bathroom privileges at public schools and universities. If you were born as a male, then you must legally use the men's bathroom, and vice-versa.



This is the most laughable fallacy to this bill. With stories like, "you send your little girl to the restroom by herself, and she comes back telling you some man touched her privates in the bathroom" and then there's of many dumbass memes circling around The FaceBook.

Oh for fucks sake y'all. Calm down. I love that this guy is an obvious democrat with his Vote D shirt. He's also a flasher, notice his pants are only around his calves. Long trench coat. And a camera! He's the total creep-package. The irony is this - the woman and child....totally asexual. Take off the hair, and they could absolutely be males...or transgender

1) READ. THE. BILL. It's for public schools and universities. Not governing the toilets at the Texas Roadhouse.

2) THERE ARE NO CURRENT LAWS PREVENTING A MAN IN A WOMAN'S RESTROOM ANYWAY. So this could happen. Today. Has it? You know what there are laws against????? Attacking someone. Period. Anywhere. Anytime. Filming people in a bathroom. Illegal. Flashing someone. Illegal. Fondling someone without their permission. Illegal. If a predator is going to attack a woman or child in a restroom....I guarantee he already has without a law giving him 'permission' to be in that bathroom.  (Sounds a bit similar to the argument of don't pass stricter gun laws because the criminals will get guns anyway it only hurts law abiding citizens......but I'm just going to throw that rotten fish smelling irony on the table and walk away from it.)

And REALLY? Helpless women with children? I love it when MEN use this argument. Holy ever seen a woman go all MamaBear on someone! We are not helpless or defenseless. We are our own special brand of crazy wrapped up in fun-bags.

3) HAVE THESE POLITICIANS EVER BEEN ON UT'S CAMPUS? On Friday night? Game night? A random Tuesday?

Holy whiz people. I've seen drunk college friends girls drop their panties and squat over any open drain or sink when needed. We don't seem to arrest them for that....but let them go in the men's bathroom!? Well....that's just immoral!!!

And really, if this were for ALL restrooms, and it was made into'd better have the police just follow me around....for realz....

I was born with a bladder the size of a walnut.
A premature walnut.
No. A chestnut.
Maybe a peanut. 
More like a pine nut.

From the time I could use a toilet, it became my mission in life to not pass by one without experiencing the pleasure of relieving myself in it. Like a dog marking it's territory.

Although my satisfaction must have waned a bit. As I have gone from "oh I need to pee" to "OOOoohhh dammit. I just pissed my pants." However, I still find myself skidding into a McDonalds or Starbucks (my Preferred Places of Piss) on two wheels trying to get out of the truck, into the restroom and my pants at least half way down without having urine running down my leg.

And you know what tends to happen....FREQUENTLY. There's.A.Line. There's a freaking line for the one or two possible toilets in the women's restroom. And whoever is in there must be reading War & Peace because they are taking FOREVER.

Seriously ladies....what the hell do you all do in there? Why is there always a line?

I am an efficient pisser.


I have no desire to linger in my half-squat-don't-touch-anything stance any longer than necessary. WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING?

And while there's a line waiting desperately to use the "women's" bathroom, men are just strolling in and out of the "men's" bathroom without a care in the world. Whistling. Strutting. Showing off their free access. Free access to bladder freedom. Assholes.

Fuck. That. I'm. Going. In.

 I have pissed in men's restrooms all over this country. You want privacy? Shut the door! Lock the door! Shut the stall door! I don't care what your pissing privileged private parts look like. I don't care if you're shy. I JUST WANT TO PISS!!!

So there. I'm a law breaker. Take me to jail. Because I will not go quietly in the night. I will piss when I need to piss and if that means breaking the law and going in the men's be it.

The alternative is on the sidewalk......which by the NOT illegal in TN as long as you 'attempt' to conceal it.

So there. I'm just going to start squatting on the ferns outside of Starbucks while waiting for my iced coffee! Howdoyalikethat!? I encourage all Transgender people to take part in this protest.

If we want to pass bathroom legislation, let's start with these:

No public shitting. NO ONE should have to endure sounds, smells or sights of your late night burrito explosion.

You MUST wipe the seat AFTER you pee. My hubs was under the mistaken impression that the "Women's" bathroom would be cleaner and nicer. I hate to break it to y'all, but women are the nastier of the species. We have been trained to ignore pee and poo. We LOOK into diapers for shit, literally. We will stick our hands down into a toddler's diaper just to see if they've pissed!  We hold a baby's butt up to our noses to see if it needs to be changed!! WHY would you think we give two shits about a public restroom that WE don't have to clean??? (If we had to clean it - that's a different story. But if someone else is wiping it up....phhhhhsssttttt...)  

And ladies, we can bitch all we want to about a "man's aim." Have you put a target below you lately while you're in a half-squat-with-one-hand-on-the-wall-the-other-hand-clutching-your-purse-and-your-pants-with-your-cell-phone-in-your-teeth? (That's a secret gymnastics move only taught to the girls in P.E. class.) Our groupings are really just a horrible cluster of misses.

You'll wipe the seat before you commence to your acrobatics, but won't touch your OWN piss??

I've seriously been in barn bathrooms nicer than most Women's restrooms. I will typically cull 40% of the vacant stalls in any given Women's restroom. - know I ain't lying. - 

1 Minute Rule. If your stall time exceeds 1 minute, you will be forcibly ejected from the stall. Like a naked man from a cannon.

So in this uproar over proper use of the shitters....we've forgotten what's really important here. Some kids. Some adults. They're Sporks. They don't quite fit into our neat little defined categories of spoons and forks. If you force people to chose one side or the is a Spork to choose?

Gotta run...

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