Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Living the charmed life

Today's Miles: 3 walking. 0.25 running (see below). Plus 120 lunges and 60 push-ups.

Sunday was a VERY long day of driving from TN to PA. Over 10 hours. 577 miles. With someone I just met. Who liked to talk. A. lot. I hit the sack at 12:30 a.m. Monday morning and was dead out at 12:31 a.m.

On Monday morning, I woke up early to hit the gym & make up for the lack of physical activity on Sunday.
I decided to hit the treadmill.....walk a bunch (trying to make sure I get my 10K steps a day) and run a bit after I talk to Mark on the phone. 7 a.m. = walking. Waiting on Mark to call. 7:30 a.m. = Mark finally calls. After talking to him for nearly half an hour I decide to start running. I crank up the treadmill and run for about 2 minutes. All of a sudden...........SCCCRRREEEEEEEECHH. Except, it actually stopped in less time than it took to type out screech. Most treadmills slow to a stop. This one stopped so fast I was nearly catapulted off of it.

Hmmm. That was weird. Why'd this thing stop? Maybe I hit the emergency stop button?

Let's try this again. Crank up the speed. Get into a good run. Pass the 2 minute mark...Okay, I'm good. 

SSSSCCCCRREEEECCHHH.  Seriously? What's up with this thing? 

One last try. Crank up the speed. Run for about 47 seconds.

SCCREEEECH.   What the....
SLAM. BAM.    Damn it that hurt!

That's why I only ran 0.25 miles. The treadmill was possessed. It was not the only demon I encountered today.....

This afternoon I was at a farm helping with an installation that involved placing somewhat sensitive electronic equipment in a barn full of curious cows. We had to run wires to hook up the equipment and mount antennas and all kinds of fun electronic guru stuff. What my computer specialist technician was not prepared for was the curiosity level of cows. Most just watched and eyed us with suspicion while they went about their business of eating. Some would come and sniff us or our equipment. But there was this one....the ButtLicker. She was ALL up in our business. Checking out absolutely EVERYTHING we did. And every time you turned your back on her...yep....right on the ass. She molested me at least a dozen times. And when you shooed her away, she'd just go to the next person. Then get shooed, and eventually come back to you. The owner's son came through once when she was fondling me as I was bent over working on something with one hand and smacking her in the head (in vain) with the other. He started laughing and said "Yeah, she can be a pain sometimes. But watch her because I think she's coming into heat." (For those non-aggies, "in heat" means she's "in the mood.") Great. Now I've got a horny cow molesting me that will likely try to mount me at some point.

ButtLicker became part of our installation crew. When all of the other cows lost interest, had eaten their lunch and were settled in bed for a bout of cud chewing....ButtLicker continued to woo each of us to see if we'd respond positively to her advances. After some time, she realized we were on to her game and she lost interest in us, but not what we were doing. Someone (I'll call her M), left a 75 ft roll of wire that was connected to two of these somewhat sensitive electronic boxes and half-way mounted to a post, casually tossed over a gate.

Here's the thing about curious cows. If it will fit in their mouth, they'll eat it. If it's something they think they can play with, they will. If they can destroy it, you shouldn't have put it in the barn in the first place.

I turn around and see ButtLicker with her head through a loop in the wire. Oh...No.

Before I could walk the 25 steps to get to her, she somehow got herself all tangled up. Ever have your dog on a leash and they get the leash wrapped around their head and legs, then sit down and look at you like "Help?"

Cows don't do that. And cows weigh 1200 lbs.

ButtLicker started to panic. Making it worse. Then she decided she wanted out of there. So I stepped in front of her to keep her from bolting and someone (I'll call him B) decided to walk up behind her to box her in..... Which suddenly turned this panicked cow into a circus performer. She managed to spin a 360 on one hoof, and I swear she ended her spinning with "TADA!"  This maneuver also revved up her spunkiness - which resulted in her bucking around a bit like she was wanting us to play with her. Now we only have about 3 foot left of wire...and remember those somewhat sensitive electronic boxes? Let's just say I'm glad we had extra. They don't respond well to being catapulted across a barn.

To keep ButtLicker still long enough to unwrap her, I volunteered M to stand at her head and be molested while me and the farmer's son untangled the beast.

As if that weren't enough for the day....
At the end of this very long day.... I had to Pee. Not one of those, I'll go up to the bathroom shortly or I'm a little uncomfortable. It was barely-make-it-to-the-toilet-and-get-your-pants-down-before-the-dam-breaks kind of pee. Somehow, I make it to the....uh....bathroom.

The bathroom was a permanently mounted port-a-potty. Luckily, it was the cleanest port-a-potty I've EVER seen in my life!

So I go running into the port-a-potty and get my pants down just in time. Ahhhhh. Niagara Falls is released!

Suddenly, my leg is wet. What the??? OH HOLY CRAP THE LID'S DOWN!! I'M PEEING ON THE LID!! (As I involuntarily start to stand a bit out of shock.) At this point, I can't stop peeing. SHIT! SHIT! I CAN'T STOP PEEING! Pee is running off the lid onto the back of my pants and undies, and I'm peeing on my own leg.

Just another normal day...

Gotta run....

1 comment:

  1. Sometimes I can not believe that you actually post this stuff.
    What is this "Mark finally calls" crap?